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FIFTEEN TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE ICONS............
duplicity memories au shit
[ It wasn't supposed to be like this.
More memory shenanigans? More fucking around? He's not quite sure what to make of it yet, but it's similar to his previous experiences. Ending up somewhere he's not supposed to be, unable to remember how he came about the location, and definitely not able to piece together the memories that brought him here. It's enough to make him want to implode, honestly. The killing game... Duplicity... and now... this? A happy-go-lucky "Love Across the Universe" situation? It's too similar to the initial killing game, and yet entirely different. Naturally Ouma doesn't trust it, especially since he's somehow managed to retain his memories of all his prior experiences. Can't whoever's doing this crap keep any consistency? He's reminded of when he woke up in the Down in Duplicity, and of how the others that he'd met therein had always been a tossup in discovering what they actually recalled or experienced.
It's terrifying, really. He's not sure he can even trust his own memories, even if he wants to believe they're reliable. But everything is messed up.
Again. And again.
At least in this scenario, he isn't being forced to partake in any activities like killing or sex. Dating and bonds or whatever is a lot more tolerable, and it's almost too nice compared to his prior experiences. It sets him on edge. All of his classmates are here this time, but none of them seem to recall anything prior. They don't know about the killing game, and the few of them that had shown up in Duplicity didn't seem to recall anything about that, either.
On the surface, anyway. He hasn't interacted much with Shuichi quite yet, even though he'd been the closest with him during his time in Duplicity. He almost doesn't want to approach him, because they'd finally, finally contracted, and then--
... But is it all in his own head? Was any of that even real?
The paranoia regarding his own memories and feelings keeps Ouma from actually approaching Shuichi. Hell, he might even be avoiding him in this ridiculously neutral environment. But it doesn't matter, because Shuichi probably won't notice, right? He surely doesn't remember anything either, just like the rest of them. Otherwise he would've said something by now, right?
It's getting cumbersome to keep up with what's what and who he can even trust at this point. Although the obvious answer is that he can't trust anyone -- that's how it's always been, hasn't it? Everything that had happened surely was just wishful thinking (or dreaming?) on his part.
He's so tired of these games.
So he sits outside the back entrance near the cafeteria, lost in his own head on the bench while everyone else is off having a carefree time, exchanging date tickets and whatnot, unaware of the plethora of realities that are currently cracking Ouma's head relentlessly. ]
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[ Ouma babbles, casually trying to pull his arm away only to notice that Shuichi's got a pretty good grip on it. Hm.
He brings his spare hand up to grab at Shuichi's hand that's on his own. That'll show him. ]
Not happening! Nope!! 'Cause I remember everything from killing games to BDSM boot camps! I'm not falling for this auspicious atmosphere!
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The hand on his certainly shows him something. As does that babble, nonsense to anyone else but like a punch in the heart to Shuichi right then. The breath that eases out of him is just a little bit ragged, like a gasp slowed down and reversed. His free hand rose to press a palm over the lower half of his face. He just needed a moment.
Holy shit.
He could respond with similar nonsense, or with something straightforward enough to cut through the bullshit. There were all kinds of words he could choose from, different directions he could take with them, but none of them felt like enough.
After a long stretch of seconds, he instead drops the hand over his face, tugs Ouma by the wrist in closer, and just wraps an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders.]
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Ouma practically short-circuits for a moment, blinking as Shuichi's arm wraps around him as he's pulled into the other's embrace.
It isn't unwelcome, or unpleasant in the least...but what is it?
Ouma settles his own free hand at Saihara's waist, grinning contently. ]
Nee-heehee... Did you really think someone as large and in-charge as me would lose their memories so easily? As if!
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[As if to illustrate his point, the arm wrapped around Ouma lifts just enough to gently bop a fist atop Ouma's head, noticeably lower than Shuichi's.
That's all the levity he can muster immediately, though. It's like the tension just drains abruptly out of him, the stress of the last few days just rushing out. He slumps against Ouma, pressing his face against dark hair.]
I thought I was going crazy.
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[ Ouma hums, even as he kind of leans into Shuichi's chest, letting the other embrace him a bit too easily... ]
Aren't you already super crazy, Saihara-chan?! Only someone as crazy as you would bother with someone as evil as me, y'know!
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You've never really given me a choice.
[He's not letting go, though.
Even now, the feeling of Ouma's slight weight leaning against him is simultaneously, absurdly, both electrifying and comforting. That touch had been his salvation in the city. His own hesitance would have killed him, so many others would have (and had) hurt him given the opportunity. But Ouma had done what was needed, pushed but never harmed, taken care of him in his own unorthodox way.
Once upon a time, Ouma had scared him. It seemed strange in hindsight when he had truth on his side.
Anyway. Speaking of truth and all that shit, there'd been a valid point in Ouma's bullshitting. Shuichi finally pulled back a bit reluctantly, his hand only retracting as far as Ouma's shoulder as if fearing an escape attempt. His other hand eased up on the thin wrist just enough to grab at a pale hand instead.]
If it's all real, then what's all this? [A vague gesture with his head at their surroundings, his mouth turning downward pensively, uncomfortably.]
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It's probably 'cause we're just stuck in a neverending simulation together!
[ Ouma grabs at Shuichi's hand on his in a reciprocative way. ]
So like, you and me are the only ones who ever remember everything, right? Maybe we're glitching! We gotta find a red pill stat and get outta here before the body count starts picking up...
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How serious are you being right now? Please.
[Just because he hasn't found solid evidence of anything doesn't mean Ouma hasn't. Hell, Ouma's always been better at finding this shit before him anyway. Why is he the Ultimate Detective here again?]
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[ Okay, that's partially true. It's a possibility, especially when the flashback lights are brought into consideration... But it doesn't make sense for everyone else to get wiped but them. Who's not going to wipe the fucking Ultimate Detective unless it's on purpose? It's suspicious.
But him and Saihara really are the only odd ones out. Sure, he'd seen a few of the others in Duplicity, and while they could all spin a good lie in a pinch or hide their true natures (especially...Korekiyo...), Ouma thinks he would've caught on to them hiding something by now. Someone like Kaede in particular wouldn't be able to hide her distress. Hell, even Shuichi did a fairly bad job of hiding his mood from Ouma's suspicions.
It's honestly because they've gotten so close throughout all these repetitive messes that they'd kept their distance in the first place. ]
Wanna try killing ourselves and see if that works? [ A beat. ] You're going first, though.
[ OK, the answer is that he's not being 100% serious even though...the topic at hand is pretty serious.
But that's nothing new. As fucked up and annoying as this is (yet again...), nothing bad has happened (yet), and it's a relief to know he isn't alone here for once.
... Which is a concept that makes him want to bluescreen a bit, but he won't focus on the intricacies of Shuichi being his partner in a sense or how that makes him feel, although the feeling is undoubtedly nice as much as it is a knot in his stomach.
He can't help being paranoid. ]
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I'd rather not.
[Biting back a sigh, Shuichi's eyes drop to their joined hands. It's comforting in an extremely embarassing sort of way. It'd probably only make the exasperation worse, honestly, except Shuichi himself is the real offender there so he can't even really be annoyed at Ouma for the PDA.]
...Will you talk to me seriously if we go somewhere more private?
[There's a hint of color in his cheeks as he says it – he doesn't mean anything suggestive, but their history now is such that it kinda feels that way anyway. Which is...a whole thing he doesn't want to think about right now. He doesn't exactly know where they stand on all that, now that they're here instead of Duplicity and there's no dystopian government forcing them to fuck. Ouma had seemed pretty sincere in having fun with it, but surely there's a big difference between "making the best of things" and "actually wanting to do it even without external pressure".]
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Like, more seriously about murder??
[ In an impromptu moment, he's leaning in closer to Shuichi's face, using his other hand to cup around his mouth as he whispers at Shuichi, his eyes gleaming with mischief. ]
Or a buncha other stuff I bet you're still thinking about...?
[ The hand in Shuichi's twists slightly, just so that his fingers can slide and interlock between Shuichi's own. He might be trying to fuck around with the other.
But he might also be gay as hell.
Nonetheless, it isn't a bad idea to discuss all this sensitive information somewhere else. Where someone's not prone to walk by and wonder why these two individuals who are only supposed to have known each other for a few days are all up in each other's business right now. ]
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Cut it out already.
[A much milder scolding than Ouma deserves, really. Fuck you, dude, he's sensitive.
Ouma holding his hand like that really doesn't help keep him on task. Shuichi averts his eyes like he's scanning the area for anyone walking by, because that's easier than looking at the asshole he's kinda holding hands with. After a moment, he pulls himself together and huffs an exasperated breath before turning towards the dorms and tugging Ouma along after him by their joined hands.
Ouma didn't give him a real answer, so Ouma doesn't get a fucking opinion. They're going.]
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[ Ouma's voice raises slightly, although there's no one around to hear it. Which is why he did as much, even though he's not entirely sure it's something he wouldn't do if there were people around.
But as much as Shuichi's learned about Ouma, Ouma's equally learned about the other... Slowly, gradually, figuring this puzzle of a person that should be flagrantly obvious from the get-go out. But Shuichi's always surprising him. Best not to piss Shuichi off to the point of the other turning uncooperative, especially since that's what Ouma needs right now. And he can get it. This isn't a situation where Shuichi's already refused him or where he can't trust Shuichi any longer...
Like right now. Although it's not too much of a surprise, since Ouma's used to his slightly more assertive moments by this point. Cute...
Ouma's smiling the whole time he's led away, ultimately not struggling from the other in spite of his dramatic statements. ]
Is this a house arrest?
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Shuichi's shoulders hunch up around his ears, but at least no one's around to hear Ouma. Small blessings. Shuichi does his best to shrug it off. Someone's gotta be the responsible one between the two of them.]
If I have to lock you up to get you to stop messing around, I will.
[Ouma would probably like that anyway.
The trip back to the dorms is uneventful. Shuichi automatically turns towards his own room at first, but then he pauses and seems to rethink it. After a moment's thought, he heads to Ouma's door instead.
If Ouma trusts him, then he should let him in. Shuichi's already made it clear he saw inside last time around anyway. And if Ouma's be doing any investigating on his own so far, Shuichi wants to see it..]
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You're soooo funny, Saihara-chan! You already know there's no lock I can't get out of...!
[ JUST SAYING!!
Although he knows Shuichi is honestly just humoring his banter, probably. Which is nice. Shuichi's always entertaining him, at least.
... And pulling through with that unexpected behavior, since Ouma's expression stiffens when Shuichi leads him to his door.
In any other circumstance, Ouma would be shutting this down. His room is off-limits as long as he's alive, and there are notes and bits of information that he's not ready to reveal to anyone whatsoever.
... Or at least, he wasn't. But he's not nearly as far as he was previously in his own investigation, when there was actual killing going on... It's a more chaotic whiteboard, complete with his theories about Duplicity and the flashback lights and this current lovey-dovey game that don't seem to be connected, but for him and Shuichi...
Ouma inhales through his nose slowly, eyebrows knitting as he stares down his own door as though it's a threat. He's seen this door before, and it's the same door, and yet different. Just like this Shuichi is the same Shuichi, but...it's his Shuichi. The one that's been with him this whole time.
The only one who's been with him this whole time.
Swallowing quietly, Ouma pulls his hand from Shuichi's grip as he moves toward his door, reaching for the key to it stashed within his sleeve in order to open it.
For the both of them. ]
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Shuichi's watching as Ouma's face sobers, blank as the gears in his brain turn. Even as unreadable as Ouma often is, it's obviously he's making a decision here and Shuichi can only hold his breath. Pushing the issue seems like it'd destabilize a delicate balance.
He just wishes he knew exactly what was going on in Ouma's head.
The pause stretches on just long enough that Shuichi starts to get nervous, expecting Ouma to laugh in his face any moment. Pulling away from him seems like the start of it, but then Ouma just takes his key out and Shuichi's finally breathes out again.
He nearly says "thank you". He's grateful for the trust. But maybe he shouldn't draw attention to it at all. He thinks he knows how Ouma felt about this, and a lot of the time it seems like Ouma doesn't want to be known. In the end, Shuichi settles for a tentative hand on Ouma's shoulder as the door opens, a slight squeeze to acknowledge everything being left unsaid.]
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Ouma swings his door open a tad unceremoniously as he steps into his room, arms and hands splaying out in gesture as he expects Shuichi to follow him in. It's a bit of a mess, but in a clearly calculated mess kind of way. ]
Welp! You're in my domain now, Saihara-chan...! I have the upper hand! Are you scared about that?
[ Even though it literally felt the exact opposite 30 seconds ago. But Ouma isn't one for leaving himself in any kind of perceived vulnerable position for long. ]
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Ouma's room is, as expected, a mess. It's a similar sort of mess to what he'd seen during the killing game. A little different, of course, and the evidence being documented covers an even broader mystery, but it's oddly comforting that it's the same. Like he can maybe understand Ouma a little better. This is just how he works.
Shuichi's eyes linger on the whiteboard – no longer covered in photos of murderers, no longer singling him out as maybe trustworthy – and he drops heavily to sit on the bed.]
I'm not afraid of you.
[There's no hesitance as he says it, just a bone-deep weariness. He looks up at Ouma, hands folding in his lap.]
So can you just talk to me now?
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[ Just...automatically places Shuichi in his organization. The other had as good as much (maybe) said he's join, so like...this is completely fine. ]
But I know you have 'em, especially since you're all comfy on my bed this easily...
[ Ouma steps a bit closer, standing in front of the other. ]
So of course I'll tell you whatever you wanna know, officer.
[ Joking. A joke. Like from their earlier quips. Maybe. ]
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There's a part of him that wants to reach out and grab Ouma's hands again. A clinngy, probably annoying part. His fingers twist together, an idle fidget meant more to keep his hands in check. He'd done the embarassing emotional leech thing already out of sheer relief, but the moment is passed and he doesn't have that excuse anymore and it'd only make him look like a desperate weirdo if he kept that up. It's not like they're dating or something just because of the Duplicity shit. Yeah.
Yeah.]
You know I have them because you've seen them.
[He goes faintly pink to say it, and he can't look Ouma in the eyes, but see? He can be flippant about this shit, too.
He looks past Ouma – like a functional human who isn't hung up on emotional shit in what could be called a crisis – back to the whiteboard. It's not like it has any actual answers, but it's helpful to see all the important stuff laid out visually. Ouma is thorough about these things, if nothing else.]
Do you think Shirogane-san is somehow responsible for everything? Or at least, whatever group she's working with?
[He'd only linked her to the mastermind shit, but this whole setup wasn't something any lone person could possibly manage, right?]
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Ouma brings a finger to his lips with a hum, although his tone is too cheery to warrant the idea that he's considering anything too seriously here. ]
Whaaat? Have I?! I don't remember anything like that!!
[ But then there's a flash of a grin as he moves to inelegantly plop down on the bed to sit next to Shuichi, kicking his legs up slightly as he does so from the momentum of sitting down so gracelessly. ]
... Just kidding! And I definitely think that girl's a super-duper bitch, but there's no way she's fully in-charge! Maybe we're some kind of entertainment commodity and they're trying to keep everything from getting dreadfully boring. That's two whole resets on our situation by now, isn't it? But it's always the same thing: Death or sex, death and sex, death and death, sex and sex! It's like a shitty reality TV show that keeps getting cancelled before the season is completed!!
[ There's an edge of frustration in his voice before he lets himself fall backwards on the bed, his back hitting the mattress even as the rest of his legs still hang off. He spreads his arms out slightly, not really caring that he's probably taking up way more space than Shuichi right now. ]
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I mean, at least this time around it's not...that. None of that's required now, right? It's more like some kind of cheesy dating show.
[Which admittedly doesn't preclude the sex thing, but it's not necessary. Shuichi frowns, lips pressed together in thought.]
But that's just another kind of entertainment, too. It seems impossible to believe, but...
[But...what else can he think, at this point? The very nature of his reality is up in the air right now. Some kind of simulation or something is the only thing that makes sense in a rational world. If they eliminate that option, then what's even left? Magic? Some kind of gods fucking with them specifically just for the hell of it? At least the simulation angle doesn't rely on the supernatural.
He wishes Ouma would take this seriously. If not for the sake of figruing out what to do, then at least to make him feel less alone in his barely restrained breakdown. Everything they think they know is potentially fake, why is he the only one that seems at all concerned??? Ouma spread out, but Shuichi only curls in on himself further as he thinks on it all.]
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[ Ouma whines, turning to his side to stare at Shuichi. ]
But this isn't even hardly a game anymore...!! It's just getting more and more boring! He said we can leave if we "graduate" like before, but I don't believe it for a second! All of this suddenly ending peacefully without a dead body? It's so lame I could cry...!
[ One of his hands reaches up to tug on Shuichi's sleeve, ensuring he has the other's attention. No zoning out allowed... ]
Hey, hey-- You said back in Duplicity that I died in the original killing game, right? 'Cause I really think I prefer that kind of ending at this point! They're just milking us to death, now!
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Please don't even joke about that...
[ he's still traumatized dude
There's a part of him – the clingy, nervous, insecure part – that wants to just lay down and glom onto Ouma like a goddamn leech just to keep himself convinced that he isn't actually losing his mind. It's not an irrational conclusion affer watching people die and then apparently come back to life and get trapped in some kind of freak sex land. This is not the life of a sane person.
But he keeps to himself and keeps it together.]
Will it really even end if we "win"? I mean...you're right. It seems too easy. I'm kind of afraid that it'd just all reset again into something worse.
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So it'd just be a lie, anyway. One he's usually not opposed to making, regardless of how wildly insensitive it would be, but he's more attuned to this Shuichi's moodswings (hell, he'd had quite a few "talks" with him during the most inopportune moments in Duplicity), so he's not really in the mood to rile up his rabbit-hearted detective any further.
But Shuichi is strong. Ouma had seen him growing and surprising him first-hand in that killing game and in Duplicity... ]
Hm... Dunno!
[ Ouma unceremoniously blurts out, rolling even more into Shuichi's personal space as he turns over on his stomach, kicking his legs and stretching his arms out flat across the bed. ]
Guess we gotta find out then, right? 'Cause I'm not about to roll over on my back and wait to die! So you can't either. I need a good guy that'll jump in and take a bullet for me if anything goes wrong, y'know.
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